It's a really long read, but it's a facinating and sad story:

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/09/07/090907fa_fact_grann?printable=true

Everyone needs to read this article.

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/book_extracts/article4362968.ece

It may be disturbing, but such blatant attacks are happening in a country and we still aren't doing anything about it. It's disgusting.

I seem to be unwillingly reflecting back on the years, and I am not enjoying the trip.

What a fucking waste...

I have a lot of books in my bookcase. After I finish one, I just read what I feel like at the time. One day I may feel bitter and resentful, so I'll read a dystopian novel. One day I'll feel nostalgic, so I'll read an old high-school book. Another time I'll feel like re-reading those few books you can just read over and over...like Tolkien or Rowling. Right now I'm re-reading the Lord of the Rings series (starting with The Hobbit) because I feel the need to escape...so I'm escaping to Middle-Earth.

Linsey

1. Go to here: http://www.careercruising.com/default.asp
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the top ten results.


( A couple were close, some were way off )


/stolen from quickly

Can't really say I'm surprised.

So, Christmas with the family was eventful. Scott came along. Met everyone for the first time. I was preparing him beforehand for everyone...well, mainly my grandparents. They're the ones he should be fearful of. Mungah: the woman who gave me my sense of humor asked me if she should bring condoms with for me and Scott. Grandad: the manic-depressive who hums and picks his scabs...things you have to be prepared for, and seeing as though Mungah was pretty much my mother, she's a bit protective. She didn't want me to have sex until I was 35...or even older if she had her way. So, I feared for Scott's well-being. We get in Mungah's car. Mungah: "So, I hear Linsey's been trying to prepare you for meeting us." Scott: "Yeah, I'm not really worried, though." Mungah & Grandad: *Maniacal laughter* That was the kind of laughter that said: "You FOOL!"

I hadn't seen a lot of people in a really long time. I had forgotten my aunt Rebecca's husbands name. I had to ask Mungah for a refresher. "It's Rick, right." "No, Ron." Close enough. I also forgot a couple of my cousin's names. There's just too damn many of them, and they're relatively new to the clan. I hardly see them anyway. White Elephant eventually got underway. The first few gifts were lame. One was a clear snowman figurine that lit up. Wow, that's horrible. Whatever. Then there was a small fondue set and a pampered chef measuring cup/bowl thing. What the fuck? That's a good gift. What's wrong with these people. Then Grandad chose Scott's gift. Here comes the good stuff. We had gone to Dig-N-Save...yeah. While there I picked up a gold transformer looking thing and started trying to transform it. Then I let out a shriek and dropped it. There was a bug in it. I think it was a cockroach, but Scott thinks it was a grasshopper. Whatever it was, I made him step on it. Eww. I ended up pretty much choosing all the stuff that we used, but he's new at this, so he has a chance to get the hang of it. His consisted of 1)Fabio's workout video, 2)Grandpa's musical workshop video, 3)Two lovely half-assed duck cross-stitches, 4)a trophy for Low Putts sans the golf club. Good times. Mine went to Mungah's sister Kitty Rae: 1)the Emotions record with all the greatest love songs of who cares what era, 2)great big granny sun glasses complete with bi-focal crescents, 3)a picture of some God type figure holding a crystal ball in front of a unicorn and a rainbow, 4)Jack-in-the-box lamp...extra creepy, and 5)wood mount for the wall with a painting of an old car on it. Lovely. Now that's how you do up White Elephant. Scott, the poor bastard, ended up with some Shrimp cocktail sauce, Hoisin sauce, and electric clothes tent dryer thingy, and the dreaded Angel. The Angel is the one gift that is re-gifted every year. It's an ugly thing that the lucky person who gets it has to repaint and keep on display in their home until the next White Elephant year...so Scott is pretty much required to come next year. I was about to say out loud, "I don't want to have to see that in our living room!" since we're moving in together, but at least this I thought of before saying and thought better than to say it out loud. We'll just wait on that.

My uncle commented afterwords that he really liked Scott, and I think everyone felt the same way, including Mungah & Grandad. About a block from my apartment on the way back, I realized I forgot my purse at my aunt's house. At least Scott had a key, I just told them that he had my key...not that he has his own set. Baby steps. Once me and Scott were on our way to the door, Mungah yells out the window: "Do you need any condoms at all?" "No, we're fine, thanks." She drives off and go into the gate. She starts yelling my name and is in reverse: "Are your condoms in your purse?" "No, I have some in a drawer."

Good times.

It doesn't even feel like Christmas is two days away. I'm really sad that New Mexico has snow and we don't. There's just something inherently wrong with that.

I finished my Christmas shopping this afternoon, and I'm really glad that my extended family does White Elephant gifts...otherwise I'd be stone ass broke. I got gifts for Mungah & Grandad, Mom, Emmitt, and Scott, and I have one dollar and some odd cents left in my account. I set up a second checking account for security deposit/first months deposit/furniture for the new apartment...I only put $100 in it, but it looks like I may have to delve into that to actually buy the White Elephant gift (I know, I'm breaking rules, but I don't own anything nearly awful enough) and...well, the all important eating thing.

I went into work the other day, and surprise, I wasn't supposed to work. Someone changed the schedule without telling me, so I had eight hours work ripped away from me. Fantastic. The girl who got all eight of my hours wanted me to work four of them so she could help her friend move. While she is a nice girl, I no longer felt obliged to work that night, and since Scott was having a really bad day, I agreed to work for an hour of it. That's bull shit. I would have worked all eight because I was scheduled to, you know? Then they give my eight hours to a girl who couldn't even really work it? What shit is that?

I've looked at next weeks schedule, and I've only got four days scheduled...I knew it was going to happen, but they could have given me warning instead of saying (which they did), "We'll have you on for the forty hours a week during break. Don't worry. We'll have you off on Tuesdays and Saturdays." I don't know which two days it was, but, that was the basic gist. They could have been talking about Thanksgiving break, but I don't know why they would have pluralized the days off. Whatever. I understand why they have to do it. We're too slow. A heads up would have been great, though.

So, I applied for a Library Page position...again. It'll probably take a month to hear from them again, so whatever.

Scott and I were bored the other night, and there really wasn't anything on to watch. We were scrolling through basic cable channels, which also happen to include a couple of Christian channels. Fun, fun. There were three women...same hair style, clothing...same stupid grin...all cooking. Well, it wasn't so much cooking as making the most disgusting salads they could concoct. This was some cooking show on 3ABN, one of the said religious channels. It usually contains shows telling me I'm going to hell and that prayer in school isn't unconstitutional, but I guess they thought they could take another course and try and convince me to make this salad that would kill me. Anyway, we were curious, because we caught a preview of one of these awful salads, and wanted to know what they put into them.

-Broccoli
-celery
-shredded carrots
-red and black grapes
-apples
-pineapple
-mandarin oranges
-walnuts
-honey pineapple dressing

They also recommended this with a side of watermelon.

Scott was about to seriously throw up, so we had to change it. I was curious what kind of shit they were planning to put in the main course.

EDIT!
I found the link!
http://www.3abn.org/recipe_detail.cfm?ID=91

They also have some of the other recipes on there. The first one we saw was the salad with the shredded beets and steamed asparagus. It looked supremely rank.

I also found a link to their own personal website:

http://www.micheffsisters.com/

Please...look at the gallery.

Just as the good Lord says:
"Individuality is the devil. Those that look different shall be smote by the almighty. Always wear coordinating outfits, for different lenghth hemlines will incur the wrath of God. The wrath of God is mighty, but God can be modestly leniant if different shirt styles are worn as long as thy pants matcheth." Amen.

My mother stopped by. It's her birthday, and she's already depressed because Mungah hasn't called yet. I looked at her...watched her while she was talking. Talking about how nobody cared (in a joking manner, but you know she was being serious to herself)...I noticed that I look more like her than I thought I did, and...I don't know. I've always been afraid that I'd end up like my mother. More terrified than afraid...maybe I'd do the things that my mother did. Make the same mistakes. Act the same way. Need the same way. It just hit me that we look alike, and it horrified me at the same time. Something deep down inside me said, "Shit...I will end up like her. I can't control it. There's nothing I can do about it." I already feel like I'm acting and needing like her in my relationship with Scott. I try to control it. I tell him that I don't mean to act this way, it's the only way I've known...it's too needy...too...I don't know how to explain it. It's just a constant worry that every little thing that you do will drive this person away, and you try everything to stop it, but you're really only making it worse. You try not to feel or act in this way, but you can't help it. You know that your instinct is to try everything to make this person not want to pull away from you, but you do all the wrong things anyway...even though you know you shouldn't do them. Even though you see yourself doing it...you just can't help it.

Wow...I guess that really explained it better than I thought. It's all like that. It's like a train wreck I know about and that I can stop. I'm the conductor but I've never driven a train before and I'm the only person that can stop the wreck from happening. Do I pull this lever here? I need to recondition myself. Change myself in a more healthy way. I've told Scott to be patient, and he has been, but I still constantly worry...did I say that wrong? Is he thinking about breaking up with me?

I know he's not. I know deep down that he'll really love me unconditionally...but I've been conditioned to act this way. I've been working really hard. I've gotten a lot better. Or I've gotten worse and haven't realized it.

I need to talk to him about it...now that I've finally put into words how this all works...we can talk about it. He knows I'm fucked up...who doesn't, honestly.

I can tell that just this alone will be a step to not becoming my mother. A weight (albeit small) feels like it's been lifted...now...the other thing I have to do to not be my mother. Wait until Sunday when we hang out to tell him about this...instead of being impatient and having to tell him right away and annoy him at work...when this is really a thing to just privately discuss...damn...I need to do this more often...typing it out and seeing it in words is a lot more soothing than just my mind telling me so.


Some words of encouragement would help...and dammit Margaret, we need to hang out and collectively bitch. This is getting ridiculous.

Me and Scott have been talking about moving in together next August. Is it too soon? I mean, we practically live together already. By next August we'll have been together a year and a half almost...I don't know. I think it's got its pros and cons...

I'm only working two days next week. TWO DAYS! How am I supposed to live off that?! I'm already having enough trouble as it is, and now these college students with federal aid are getting more hours than me. I was pretty sure before that a girl I work with hates me, but now that I've seen the schedule she's made, I'm more than positive. I don't know what to do. I need to find a second job, but where? I need to make more money than I already am at this boring job. God, help me.

I saw the most disturbing and disgusting video of my life. Just watch this video, and you'll understand. It's a little grainy at parts, but...It's just extremelly disturbing:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VP_M8s0GFEc

I also liked this one. If it were longer and a little more discriptive, it would be more hard hitting, but I think it gets the genuine point accross.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PfVjmnTmZA

P.S. Neither of these are porns!

I'm in a very strange mood right now. I've felt like I was distancing myself from Scott lately, and I realized it's because I've been feeling unattractive. I have a poor diet and don't really exercise, and I just look at myself in the mirror with a frown. Don't worry, I'm not going to be anorexic or anything, I love food too much. I just need to have better eating habits and start working out a bit. So, I have yet to tell him why I've been pulling myself away from him (or so I've felt like I've been doing)...I feel like I've affected the relationship in such a way that I can't repair it. I feel like he's already thinking of running. Sick of a girlfriend he may feel doesn't wants him to touch her. So, I have to try and repair it.

On another note, I saw one of the most depressing graphs in my life. This is what AIDS is doing to African countries...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Life_expectancy_in_some_Southern_African_countries_1958_to_2003.gif

That really didn't help the strange mood at all. Not in the least.

Before we started dating, Scott quit smoking. He later told me it was partly because I didn't like it. Then, I found out that he has started smoking again. He didn't tell me about it at all, and he told my friend Kristina (who he works with) that I knew about it when he hadn't told me yet.

Not happy. At all. I don't know what to really do to get him to quit. I talked to him about it, and he said it was just too hard. Then he smoked the next morning. How do I get him to stop it? Dammit! I don't want to kiss a smelly ash tray.

I don't know if this is true, but if it is, it's both outrageously hilarious and depressing at the same time:

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-11/10/content_5313921.htm

I hope it's not true, because otherwise she's a bitch who breaks up with someone through a text that contains numbers as words...

That, and the whole kneeling and crying in the corner thing at the end is really depressing. Damn.

I'm just glad I'm not one of the people who cares.

This is taken from Kaitlin's lj...I don't know how to do the lj user thingy anymore. Anyway, I thought it was important that as many people read it as possible, so...I dunno, maybe I don't have to get married in a church or anything. That, and if somebody else wants to post this in their journal...please do, so that people can understand that we already don't have gay marriage. Please, please, please:


When you vote "No" on November 7th, you are not just saying you support
equal marriage rights for everyone. In fact, voting "No" does not advance
gay marriage rights any further than they are currently. Putting this bill
down will do many other beneficial things for our state. IF this bill
passes, if you vote "Yes", the following things will happen:

--Neither straight couples nor gay couples will ever be able to obtain civil
unions or common law marriages in Wisconsin again. If the only way we would
be able to marry is through the church, we are no longer upholding the
separation of church and state that the United States Constitution promises
the people of this country.

--If a couple, straight or gay, shares a living space and one is abusive,
the other will no longer be able to file domestic abuse charges against the
other. There will be no such thing as a penalty in this case.

The 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution: "No State shall make
or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of
citizens of the United States."

According to Governor Jim Doyle, "Wisconsin already outlaws gay marriage.
This amendment is unnecessary, and was only intended to divide people.
Worse, it would make it impossible for some people to make final medical or
inheritance decisions for a loved one. Instead of dividing our state, we
should find ways to bring people together."

Wisconsin has long been a state which fought for the equality of all
citizens. If you believe that every citizen, including women and/or
homosexuals, deserve equal rights in this state, please vote "No" on
November 7th.

I seem to be discovering the main people that are for voting yes on this amendment don't know any gay people...or don't understand that gay people already can't get married in the state of Wisconsin. I understand that if the Catholic Church or any other church doesn't want to allow gays to marry, it's their church, and their religious belifs. That's their thing. Once the Catholic Church thinks that gay marriage is alright, then they can say it's alright. But, there's really no reason that gays (or straights, for that matter) shouldn't have civil unions or common law marriage. I shouldn't have to be part of the Catholic faith to love and be devoted to a partner. I shouldn't have to only go through the church to get married. If they love each other, then all the power to them. If they're devoted to each other, then they should be able to visit that person when they're sick in the hospital, or decide whether or not to keep them on life support, or be allowed on their partner's health benefits. It's disturbing that people are afraid that gays are going to destroy the sanctity of marriage, when so many straight people are doing that very thing every day. There are game shows: Who Wants To Marry My Dad?, Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?, The Bachelor. I mean come on! There's Brittney Spears, or Elizabeth Taylor! If anyone's ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's stupid straight people and TV producers. Leave the gays out of it.